Thursday, February 22, 2018

For men who believe they have been "replaced": Helpful resources

"For my own part, just as she needed to let go of the affair, so too did I. I needed to stop talking about it, stop voicing every thought, stop throwing it in her face. She isn’t sleeping with, pining for, secretly meeting with anyone now, so what am I angry about? My ego is bruised, my trust has been damaged, my belief in my marriage has been shaken. It’s legitimate anger. But it’s anger based on past events. She is in the marriage now. She is reaching out to me. She wants to be with me. I still need to accept that completely, but I’ve found the less I dwell on this, the better I feel.
It was also helpful to accept that I can’t depend on her for my happiness. I need to secure that for myself. It’s not a bad result to all of this. I am less beholden to her and I think she appreciates me more for it.
One important aspect to keep in mind (and it helps the betrayed understand the mindset of the betrayer during the affair) is that one can become addicted to the pain of betrayal. Wallowing, anger, ruminating are all bad habits I’ve fallen into. I’m used to waking up and thinking about them. I’m used to passing by places they met and getting mad about it. It becomes Pavlovian after a while. I found I needed to have those negative feelings because I became accustomed to having them. They became a sort of crutch for me. Without them, without being the betrayed husband, who was I? I imagine my wife felt a similar need. She developed a bad habit of needing to hear from him, to see him, to read his emails, and when she tried to break that habit, it was too difficult.
I’ve really tried hard to break my own habits, to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. And one really important lesson I’ve learned is that tomorrow really is another day. I get the one day at a time mantra.
We will never be as naively trusting as we once were, but we will never be as dependent either. I think that independence allows one to take a chance on love once more."

Source: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/6-comment-gems-affair-survivors/


Sunday, January 28, 2018

Lust land

Isn't it interesting how most people who appear in made-for-profit pornographic video do not appear to be stateless, are not visibly malnourished, do not have debilitating skin conditions such as psoriasis, stretch marks, vaginal or rectal prolapses, testicular cancer, gynocemastia ( man boobs), hernia's, hemmorhoids, large beer belly's, erectile dysfunction or vaginusmus, and apparently do not need to fetch or feed or nurse or nurture children or aged or infirm relatives, or dependent animals, and seem to live in reasonably clean and functional and well maintained dwellings where presumably the plumbing works and there is food in the fridge or a phone call away.

Do they all live in a special area, like the young Bhudda in his father's palace, from which the ravages of time and poverty have been banned - "the pornographic zone."?

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Six degrees of separation - stage 3

Have moved back into the bedroom, having removed all of her remaining things, in a symbolic act of making it bearable...would that I could remove the lingering thoughts as well


Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Manning up to death and the maiden

I suppose this is what a separation looks like...6 degrees or otherwise

I think I am learning new and important meanings to the phrase "take it like a man"

Take your loneliness like a man
Take your aloneness like a man
Take the inescapability of now like a man, so that you may find a strange and new peace
Take the absolute necessity of letting go like a man
Take the fact that it does not matter if you apparently choose to unfurl your grip, or if Life simply stomps on your fingers til they bruise, bleed and slip, like a man
Take your loss of the illusion of control like a man
Take your addiction to stories, and hurl them into the great silence, like a man
Take your not knowing from minute to minute like a man
Take your non-ownership of any other human being like a man
Take the unexpected like a man
Take your loss of fake power like a man, so that you may discover where your real power lies
Take back the love that was never yours to possess or give away, but is always just there, sometimes forgotten for a short moment, like a man




Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Ten advantages of going through a separation:


1) You stop eating chocolate: in fact some days you stop eating altogether, so suddenly that slim youthful body is within reach.

2) The pain and suffering burns away many - if not all - vanities - and you get to query your beliefs about everything in a way that can be most liberatory.

3) If you haven't yet, you begin the process of falling in love with yourself.

4) Lots of petty addictions fall away. For example, in my case obsessive FB reading and posting went from 5-10 a day to 1 a week and now back up to 2-3 a day.

5) I got really focused about priorities and economic realities....stuff I've avoided for significant chunks of my adult life.

6)Because I've been so emotionally labile - lots of tears, weeping etc, I've connected with people I've known a while in much more profound, honest, deep (er) and authentic ways, learnt more about them, and become much closer.

M crying has been quite involuntary...I can be talking to Viv on the phone and suddenly burst into sobs, or a friend can tell me about the death of a parent and I'll start crying, or I'm retelling a moving Raymond Carver short story to that same friend, a story which isn't even "real", and my throat will choke up and tears come...on Monday I was cleaning out a 70 + woman's fridge and she asked about my poetry, (and shortly before received a cold and distant text from Viv about a technical parenting matter), and I sat down on a chair and started howling.

"What did I do, what did I say?" she rushed over to me, concerned and distressed. She hugged me, as best she could with her badly bent back, and made me tea and toast with vegemite and told me how she had wanted to leave her husband and hadn't had the strength to...

Then she gave me another  long long long hug - which i suspect was more her need than mine  - and kept on trying to feed me. It was nice to receive her kindness and concern, and how moved she was by my uncontained emotion, and to have one's defences suddenly down and see how that allows the other's to drop as well - and its liberating and special and comforting to have heart to hearts with relative strangers, andto to perhaps slowly realise that love can be found almost anywhere, with almost anyone, if we can allow it.

7)I am discovering a new kind of unconditional happiness and gratitude ( same thing?) in loving what is and in being forced, or guided by Life, to let go.

8) separation is like being on a raft with four people on a white water river. You fall out of the boat, which is anyway moving rapidly, in a state of constant flux. But you cling to the rope along the side of the raft, imagining that it offers some sort of safety, security, solidity, continuity, permanence. And all the while the raging water is tugging at you, pulling on your life, and your grip is getting weaker and weaker, but you're terrified, and so you cling. But you know you're going to have to let go, or be pulled off, and swept away. And then it happens and you're into whatever happens next, with terror or elation or peace, or all three.

9) Autonomy muscles that have long atrophied are suddenly rediscovered and flexed again.

10) Surrender happens....and happens again...and again. What Byron Katie calls dying into love.

Gam Zoo Le'Tovah - Also This is for the Good

Last year at this time someone rear ended my Mazda 2. It was a write off, and with the insurance payout I was able to get a newer and slightly better car.
Around the same time I lost my mobile phone and as a result got a newer phone with a bigger screen.
Now I am apparently losing "my" marriage and who knows what magnificent surprise and gift will come out of that.

Poems 5778 - 2018


I think I am learning new and important meanings to the phrase "take it like a man":


Take your loneliness like a man
Take your aloneness like a man
Take the inescapability of now like a man, so that you may find a strange and new peace
Take the absolute necessity of letting go like a man
Take the fact that it makes no difference if you
apparently choose to unfurl your grip, or if Life simply stomps on your fingers
til they bruise, bleed and slip,
like a man
Take your loss of the illusion of control like a man
Take your addiction to stories, and hurl them into the great silence, like a man
Take your not knowing from minute to minute like a man
Take your non-ownership of any other human being like a man
Take the unexpected like a man
Take your loss of fake power like a man, so that you may discover where your real power lies
Take back the love that was never yours to possess or give away, but is always just there, sometimes forgotten for a short moment, like a man

  
_________________________

Adaptible Poem for Shabbat

Immanuel
( or please substitute any other relevant name)
even though you have hair
growing out of your nose
and ears
(please substitute any other relevant body part here)
I still love, honour and respect
the light and life
I see in you


________________

Now there arose a new king
who did evil in the sight of the lord
he turned the garden into a jungle
banned plastic bags from the kingdom
planted pumpkins and recycled dog shit
brought in monsterous chickens
that attacked and savaged the citizens
he let vermin run wild
they ate the cereal and sugar
but one day the people arose
and toppled that pretender to the throne
that man that wouldn't be king



________________

I wear around my neck
like a protective amulet
"she's dead
she's dead
she's gone
she's gone

and she's not 
coming back "
I even said kaddish in shul for her
just to help me get it
_________________

Can I be loved or can I be love?
____________________________

I am angry that the sun is shining on the neighbours' house.
I had expected it to behave appropriately and only shine on mine.
_________________________________

i don't need a partner
to be whole
i just need to stop telling myself I'm incomplete

____________________________

late afternoon
when the shadows fall
and the fear of night
descends
is the time
I most prefer
the company
of friends


___________________

אני, ולא אחר
שומר עליך
מתוכך
כי בעצם
אני
היותך
ונאמן
לשמור
לא על מה
שאתה חושב שאתה
אלא על מה
שאתה באמת
________________________  

aloneness
you are such a beautiful bride
I do not find any blemish in you
and nor do you age and wither
___________________________

walk slowly
as if you were going to your own death
which you are

________________________

Just as on Pesach
we open the door
so that Eliyahoo the prophet
may also drink
from the cup of freedom
so every liberation
requires we open
a hithertoo closed
door in our heart
______________________

Where the hell are we?
In this place zombies
watch endless cooking shows
listen all night
to call centre music
that is changed
only once
every called has died
write novel-length self-
reflective journals
to achieve professional
development points
for the plumbing trade
and wish each other
"have a good day"
before disemboweling
their neighbour


_____________________

Gifted child
looking for employment
will wipe bums


___________________

wham , bam
thank you man

_________________

איזהו גיבור?
הכובש את בדידותו
_________________


sending off poems:
the death throws of the ego
_______________________

Am I a man or a mouse?
Neither. I am a much loved poodle
______________________

I prayed and my prayers have been answered
not in the way I expected but nevertheless...
the incomprehensible creativity of Life

______________________

Where ever you go
there is a window
with a tree just beyond
even if you cannot see it
at the time
_____________________