Male sexuality and # me too

We have many parts of ourselves, where and when - if anywhere -  will the subversive inappropriate self - the one that cares nothing for the superego or the past or the future or prudence or respectability or empathy - be allowed to live in the sun? If it is shamed into hiding will it just vanish? 

Once, I think perhaps for my 45th birthday, I went on a day long Tantra workshop. In one exercise the women were encouraged to dance freely and "womanly" in the centre of the room, while the men were asked to stand on the perimeter and "hunt" a particular woman they felt attracted to with their eyes or body language, or through dance ...I think direct touch may or may not have been excluded by the female facilitator. 

In such an environment, where we were being encouraged to play with a ritualized male female polarity, where men were being invited to own and act out a 'predatory' sexual role, and women to seduce or signal availability, and where all participants were consenting adults who had come to explore and find some kind of hoped for fulfillment, I found it "impossible" to participate in this exercise, and stood there wooden and paralysed and perhaps terrified of something (rejection? shaming?) that I had brought with me into the room from my past and conditioning. 

Certainly there were women there who moved me, but to own this in an overt and visible way was not accessible. And I experienced this as a kind of blockage in a natural flow...these things are nuanced and delicate and the reactive world with its fear driven approximations and demand for guarantees does not often support the kind of unpackings which really resolve an issue. 

"The seeing is the doing". (Krishnamurti)