Out of Africa

While in Africa to visit my surrendering dad ( who has been blessed with Alzheimer's) I dug up an amazing piece of mind-talk (self-talk), while doing some work with my friend Rasada.

"Not only do I HAVE to be a father to myself, but also to my father (never mind to my own sons) - and it is too much."

No wonder I might feel overwhelmed when I'm unquestioningly accepting this belief.

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Part of me - admittedly only a teensy weensy part of me - wants to be with my dad in the old aged home. Or perhaps IS my dad in the old aged home.

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On the flight out to Africa, the seemly interminable torturous 14 hour flight from Sydney, my head dully aching and my mouth dry, the night fears come, and I completely doubt my adequacy and capacity to be there for my family, my beautiful wife and children, who in this moment, in this flying tin prison, seem like my only anchors in this scary universe. And even though I know the task is made up, and no one gets "THE TASK" done - eventually all subcumb to something - at this point the task, the imaginary task I've made up for myself - seems much bigger than I.

...and I cannot protect them from birth or death. The only protection I can offer is relative – clarity of thought, how to get clear, the ability to work in partnership, a safe space for a while, money... and this I will work to provide, in keeping with the sutra in Pirkei Avot: You can not complete the task, but nor are you free to desist from it.